


boy crazy and beyond

by calicoco1



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chaos Ensues, Coming of Age, Crack, F/M, Friendship, Humour, Multi, Reader-Insert, Romance, Slice of Life, but humour in quotation marks, girls being best friends, girls crushing, i rewatched daily lives of high school boys, sorta - Freeform, the three tag horsemen on the apocalypse, there will be an endgame?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27386095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calicoco1/pseuds/calicoco1
Summary: Hear ye, hear ye, the royal court of high school girls has officially decreed: they are tired of being single. But, shock and horror! You and yours are all either socially stunted morally deprived.Luckily, your friend assures you all her niece, Kiyoko, can get you up to speed. She's got her own volleyball harem after all.(Also knows as: The Chronicles of Kiyoko and Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest and Dumbestst.)
Relationships: Reader/Various
Kudos: 3





	boy crazy and beyond

“I’m glad all three of you could all make it.” Vivi says, pushing her glasses up with characteristic terseness. She sits with her back rod-straight and her lips set in a worrisome frown. To add to the dramatics, she’s drawn her curtains shut and forced all four of you to sit in a circle. It’s very Arthur and his Knights. Maybe more like a séance, the way your snacks are piled in the middle – like an offering to whatever low-level demon you’ll be summoning. You resist the urge to start chanting Latin-sounding nonsense.

“We live two houses apart. And it’s not like we are busy CEO’s or something,” Sakura says, laying idly on the floor and picking up potato chip crumbs from the carpet with a spit-slick finger. Vivi visibly fights the urge to cringe, trying really hard to set the mood, but you give in to your ire and kick Sakura’s in the ribs with your foot. Swiftly, as is tradition. Your dad owns a dojo after all.

“Stop being gross,” you command, snootily raising your nose up in disgust and pointing an accusing finger at her, nearly spilling your carton of banana milk in the process. “And speak for yourself – I have to pick up my brothers in 30 minutes. Let’s get this thing over with.”

“I have pottery class tonight!” Yuuki informs everyone happily, nibbling on a cookie. “But I’m confused. Are we finishing our manga, or something?”

All three of you flinch, twitching in tandem and snapping your heads around to stare at Yuuki with fitting betrayal in your eyes.

“Don’t mention that again, ever.” You tell her, violently drinking away the pain through a little plastic straw afterwards. Refreshing. “We swore on our lives, remember?”

You did more than just swear. It took a while, but roughly a month ago you finally became self-aware. Embarrassment finally hit all of you like a sledgehammer (minus Yuuki) and you realised the fanfic manga you spent all summer collaboratively working on was most likely just going to ruin your lives if your siblings ever managed to get their hands on it. And they probably were going to, at some point.

With that threat hanging over your heads, your hand was forced. And so, pained but determined, you all gathered your hard work and threw it into an old shoebox. That same night you snuck out into Sakura’s yard to bury it, disguised in pairs of sunglasses, oversized heats, ski masks and gloves. Originally it was going to end with a blood pact, but all of you agreed that pricking your fingers with the same needle was just not sanitary.

“No,” Vivi says, her voice cutting through your idle banter with as much authority as she can muster. “This is about something much more terrible. It’s not a problem we can bury and leave to rot.”

It would have been cool one liner, maybe, had you not started slurping up the last drops of milk from the box. Vivi glares at you and you hold up your hands up in apologetic surrender.

“Take this a little more seriously!” She cries in reply, pushing herself onto the feet. Desperately, she waves her hands around, nearly stumbling in her efforts to catch and hold your attention. “You really don’t realise the situation we’re in, do you?!”

“Do _you_ realise I can see up your skirt?” Sakura pipes us, laying on her back and staring (sure enough) at what you presume to be Vivi’s panties. The same way a creepy subway molester would, really.

Vivi stomps her foot, embarrassed and outraged at the same time. “I’m wearing biker shorts!”

“Cut it out,” you try to kick Sakura again, but this time she’s ready for it. She’s got two older brothers and she brawls like it too. In a flash, she grabs your ankle and drags you towards her. Her eyes flare with something maniacal. Caught off guard, your arms sloppily shoot out to soften your fall against the rough carpet. You cry out to Yuuki, wholly grossed out by the spit and potato chip dust Sakura is wiping on your calve, but she only giggles and pats your hand as if to say, _there-there, you guys used to share lollipops back in the day_!

In your desperation to avoid carpet burn, you let her reel you in with as little protest as possible – but when your close enough, you stick out my tongue and begin lolling it around in the hopes to scare her off. A last bid for freedom.

It works a little, Sakura pulls back with a strangled cry when you begin to overpower her, eyeing your tongue with dread. Then, suddenly, her horrified expression shifts into a smirk that chills you to the bone.

“Too weak!” She cries, kicking your off and licking her fingers wet in the window of opportunity that your dramatic fall creates. If this was a video game, the jiggling boob physics would have shaken you to your core. Probably snapped your spine, the way you scream out in agony.

“ _Ew_!” You roll away best you can, for sure bruising. She follows, scooting after you, chuckling lowly as she wiggles her disgusting fingers at you. They glint ominously, spit-slick. “Stop it, you’re unbelievable!”

“You both are!” Vivi screams, interrupting your fighting with a vicious kick to the back of Sakura’s head and then, for good measure, another kick to your snack pile. Wrappers and packaging flies around, a little bowl of jellybeans clatters against the wall and scatters what seems like a billion little candies around. It’s pandemonium and very, very bad for moral.Unanimously, you decide she’s crossed the line.

Cooly, you watch as Sakura unfurls her body from the fetus-position it automatically adopted. “This means I win,” you proclaim before flicking a bean at Vivi’s feet. “I’m still suing for damages, though.”

“I was going to lick the flavour off the packaging,” Sakura sulks, glaring at Vivi after a long, morose look at her previously abandoned snack-wrap confirms it unsalvageable. It’s found its way across the room and under the desk; the Land of Dust, as you like to call it. Gone forever.

“You were just lice-combing the carpet for crumbs like an orangutang, what’s so different now?” You say haughtily, before turning to back to Vivi. “I hope for your sake my cookies are okay. I’m leaving if they’re crushed.”

“I nearly dropped mine,” Yuuki says around a big bite, flustered and clutching her Oreo knockoffs to her chest. She looks a little cagey, like a threatened animal, and you hesitate to call her out on it but… she’s clenching a pencil in her fist like it’s makeshift prison shank. She’s a tiny thing, but also a bottomless pit. Her metabolism is off the charts, meaning that messing with her food means messing with her quality of life.

Vivi scoffs. She looms over all of you, blocking the light with her humongous head. Her glasses gleam ominously. She looks the part of an evil overlord, gazing down at a trinity of stupid plebeians.

“And that’s why you’re all going to remain single this year,” she says, quietly. This time, her words impact like a bomb. The pencil in Yuuki’s hands snaps with a violent _crack_. Sakura, caught off guard, stares ahead numbly, her face twisting with an emotion you can’t place but imagine is reserved for near death experiences, normally. You have to squint up against the light’s glare, but you try your best to glare at your now ex-friend regardless.

…You’re not tearing up. It’s the _lights_. The lights! Violently, you scrub at your eyes.

“B-boyfriend?” Yuuki manages, choking on her mouthful of cookies. The sheer gravitas the word carries has condemned her to an early grave. No one moves to help her as she begins clawing at her neck, to busy being caught up in Mexican stand-off, so she has to cough everything back up on her own.

“Who’re you to tell us that?” You tell Vivi, raising your eyebrow challengingly as if you’re not fighting your trembling lip. As angry as you are, your ego’s terribly bruised. You can’t hold her eyes for long - or rather, you have a hard time holding… her glasses? You glance away when the pressure gets too real, and the reflecting light too painful. “I’ll have you know, you’re the least experienced out of all of us.”

“But are we really so different, you and I?” She counters, making grand gestures with her hands. Very Marvel villain-esque. “So what, Yamamoto handed back your gum when you dropped it. Think about it. Starting this school year, we aren’t freshmen anymore. In a couple of years, before you know it, we won’t be fertile anymore either. If I’m an ultra-virgin… you guys are too!”

Yuuki coughs harder, dropping onto all fours to hack up a lung. You’re pretty sure she’s just sobbing, at this point.

“You’re so desperate it’s funny,” Sakura says, nonchalantly kicking her feet onto your lap. Her cool front doesn’t work, because sounds like she’s been huffing helium and she’s sweating up a storm. Her hands shake, when she goes to flick her hair. Also, you know she pre-orders tome games religiously. “I bet you pray every day that a rugged older guy shows up up and pick you up from school on his stylish, classic motorbike to his quiet spot – a forgotten mountain clearing overlooking the hillsides. And you’re the only one who he’s ever taken there, so it’s an intimate moment that you will remember for a lifetime.”

_That’s way too specific! Clearly what she’s been doing!_

Yuuki, teary eyed, sniffles wetly. Her face is blotchy from all her coughing and she’s crawling around looking for something to drink, but you can tell she’s trembling out of frustration more than asphyxiation. She adds, weakly, “O-or a reliable childhood friend who always loved you, but never managed to confess. Because he thought you were out of his league and he didn’t want to ruin your special bond. But he’s leaving for the city to make a better life for the both of you and he asks you to wait for him...”

_YOU TOO?!_

Wisely, you keep your mouth shut and begin wiping at your eyes again. Yuuki must have coughed cookie crumbs into your eyes. Yeah, that’s it. That’s why you feel like a kicked dog.So you keep quiet, even though you're suddenly very hot under the collar.

“It’s your own faults!” Vivi cries, pointing at you all accusatorially. Her face is red too. “The way you are now, you’re never going to meet your strict, control freak superior who abuses his position of power to command you around and get you alone to steal your first kiss and your panties!”

It’s true. In terms of romantic experience, all of you are encroaching incel territory.

“What are we supposed to do, then!” Yuuki cries, voice hoarse. She begins coughing again – I’m pretty you’re going to have to contact a funeral agency soon.

“We have to be the perfect high school girls from now on,” Vivi announces. “I’ve set up a bootcamp. If we don’t end up in someone bondage dungeon by the end of this year, we might as well die alone!”

“I still have to do all my summer homework,” Sakura admits, stressed, grabbing at her short hair with desperation. She digs her heels into your tights hard enough for you to back away.There’s a crazed look in her eyes - this is a familiar expression, the one she got when she achieved the perfect ending while playing _Bikers in Love_ after weeks of grinding. “But if I can meet my own personal Tatsumakikoshiwama-kun this way, I’ll take on the workload.”

“Please!” Yuuki cries, crawling over to pull at Vivi’s leg in desperation. “Help us! Teach us!”

Finally in power, Vivi kicks her away with clinical precision. Yuuki rolls across the floor – skidding over the carpet like a rock over water, until she hits the wall harshly. She collapses in a heap. There she lays limply, bawling still.

“I pity all of you,” she sneers. “But I’ll bestow my kindness even on those unworthy. Class one is tomorrow.”

You consider your options. Yes, Vivi is power tripping already. It will be hell, no matter how you look at it. You’re respectful to your elders, but a peer? You don’t think you could take orders from this psycho. But…

You imagine yourself on the back of a bike, maybe. Holding on to someone’s waist while he gets you home from a study date. The wind in your hair, idle banter. Something sweet and wholesome.

Or maybe someone exciting, that pulls you by the hand, pushing you out of your comfort zone into new and great experiences. Someone that makes you laugh till your sides split, sharing drinks and hitting up theme parks in the ~springtime of your lives~.

What about a bad boy? You’ll swear you have to get home on time, flustered as he reels you in. Piercings, probably, and lots of kabedon. He’ll steal your first kiss without consideration, but your expression after will keep him up for days to come and he just won’t be able to stay away.

_Or, maybe-!_

“My niece is coming over,” Vivi continues, composed except for the strange twitching of her lips that makes you fear for her mental health. “She’s a third year… and she has a boyfriend.”

“Black magic,” Sakura accuses immediately, slamming a fist on the ground. “She sold her soul.”

“I wish!” Vivi rages, hands tightening into fists. “Kiyoko’s _beautiful._ ”

You finally snap at that particular reveal. “What are we supposed to do then?!” You think my face is on fire – You've lost all feeling. Did the shock damage your nerve system? You have no control over what face you're making, all you know is that you suck at make-up. “If it’s genetics, we’re doomed.”

“We can observe and adapt!” Vivi yells back hard enough for her voice to crack, wobbly legs giving out. She slams a fist onto the floor. “She’s super feminine. We have to evolve, do as she does.”

Not for the first time, your beehive mind echoes with a familiar sentiment. For all your shortcomings, you're all hopeless romantics. _Damn it. We want our high school romance!_

“I have to pick up my brothers.” You stand up and dust off your skirt, drying your eyes one last time. Your limbs feel wooden and you have to pause at the door to gather strength, turning back to face the scene of disaster. Yuuki crying and rubbing at newly formed bump on her forehead, Sakura working through a mind melt, the candies and snacks scattered about. Casualties of war.

Finally, you meet Vivi’s feverish eyes and nod.

“… But I’ll be here tomorrow.”

**Author's Note:**

> I plan on either finishing up a one-shot smut fic for Gintama, or updating sabbath baby next! And I also simply, and humbly, apologise.


End file.
